🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.